I have been ruined. – Sophia Atkinson

I have been ruined.

I have been ruined as a person. I am a shell of my former self, I used to be very talkative a social butterfly, and whatnot. But over the past 2 years of mental and social damage from friends and family, I have been more of a shut-in, being very weary with who I share information. It’s a defense mechanism to prevent word weaponization. I have had stuff put against me to comply with absolutely absurd tasks, and I have horrible trust issues and social anxiety. To the people who have wronged me, I hope you know that you are to blame for this, but I’m not mad at you, I’m just very saddened that you were like that and I hope that you got better, words and actions have a great effect on the course of peoples lives.

11 thoughts on “I have been ruined.

  1. Hello!
    I saw this message out of a weird rabbit hole of searching – funny how the internet works huh. i saw this post and honestly I get it. I’m trans and have been severely depressed for a long time. To say the least i have tried to kill myself many times. But I’m better now despite still not liking myself. I was told by my doctor one time this piece of advice and i think it might apply to you: you wont become the person you were before. you never will. it will be a “new normal”. I don’t know much about you or who did mean stuff to you but what i will say is don’t give up! Oh i just realised your trans also ha. Well listen people suck a lot of them do. but you know there are people out there who may never know you or be friends with (like myself) that care for you. seeing your posts hear is a beautiful thing to me. i love hearing about other people! i am quite a nervous wreck. you can bounce back, i know you can! it sounds crazy but as talking from experience of being destroyed by my friends (with slurs and jokes behind my back) and family (saying that they would kill themselves because of me). You will find that person that real true friend who slowly yet steadily you will open up to. it will be hard no doubt but many of us care about you! I had it happen to me and it can certainly happen to you. see ya and remember your valid af!!!! <3

    1. Hello “42” Don’t know the best way to address you, Thanks for the kind words. I am also a nervous wreck, I have been in a bounce back, and I have like one TRUE friend and their great. I’m sorry for the things that people said and may still say to you, but through my experience, most of those people are looking for a reaction from you, I found that laughing at them makes them upset. Although the words sometimes hurt, I think watching them scramble for other insults is funny.

      Hope you have a great week and thank you for not only taking the time to read this post but giving some words of encouragement, It means more than you can fathom.

      Also, I’m assuming the rabbit hole is the Sirtom rabbit hole.
      this site shows up because I own the domain for his website.
      as addressed here https://sophiaatkinson.com/2021/10/16/sirtom/
      If I’m wrong let me know!

      1. Hello! 42 is fine. The reason i use that name is i am very shy. I do not talk to people on the internet usually(for example i saw your discord link but I’m scared to click it in case it invites me to a server lol) but reading this made me really feel something. I get it. Its the emotional passion and elegance in which you write out that paragraph that captured my interest. Made me think about how much of a small world (metaphorically) the internet is. Hidden corners everywhere. But you know it was like reading something i had written. I had always tried to write down my emotions but i think due to my autism i was unable to capture my true emotions. It was never enough. Listen that true friend will go far. Its amazing to hear. and remember that they think you are a great friend! you seem like a great person. I have a niche for picking out people like that (that’s how i found my 3 most caring and loving friends) and i can feel it here. I did ignore it but i also attempt to educate. Judging from your other posts you are American (the mid-terms were recent of course) and from what i know politically and socially AND economically it can be tough. Being trans in America seems difficult. But there are loving people out there. The mid-terms show that. Well remember whenever your down even though i might be busy i’ll be thinking about you. I think about trans people in need i know all the time. As for a little trivia my favourite band is Oingo Boingo (a Californian new wave band of the 1980s) and i like chess. I’m also a programmer! (Lua, C, C#, C++ (although I’m rusty), R (some), Python). If you like story games i would recommend Omori. Its quite good. when i was depressed i related to it. You will flourish as a person and will experience all the wonders of friendship and life in due time. Til then, keep on keeping on! Your friends care about you, and so do I albeit the fact I’m a stranger. Oh and random cool fact about me: im learning Russian (before Ukraine war), Frisian and ich lerne ein bisschen Deutsch (god i hope that’s correct). I hope you find some cool hobbies and all that stuff. You seem like a great programmer. See ya Sophia!

        1. We meet again 42, I totally get it, it’s ok to be shy about names. I pride myself on my more personal responses as I’m not a fantom, Living in America is difficult but luckily I live in a pretty good state, but there is so much hate here, it’s truly depressing. I have heard Oingo Boingo but I haven’t listened to them in a few years, Chess seems like fun but my brain can’t play for long periods of time without freaking out. Good to see another programmer commenting on my blog, and it is very uncommon that someone talks about a language that I have never heard of pl/I, and R. But a little bit of research clears it all up for me. I have heard of Omori, I have it in my Steam library, just haven’t set the right mood to play it. I don’t like to take breaks when playing story-driven games as I have a shite attention span, Took a break playing shadow of the tomb raider 3 months ago… Haven’t played it since. I tried to learn Russian a few years back for the hell of it but I didn’t get very far.

          Until next time 42.
          Cheers.

          1. Hello, life is busy as always. What programming languages do you know? I have also began teaching lua and learning rust and fortran. Perhaps an esoteric language like Piet would be fun but I do not see myself having the time. There is indeed hate within America but talking from experience the passion of love is stronger. I cant remember the exact quote but it goes something along the lines of “if the people can be taught hate they can also be taught love”. Indeed society has changed hugely and while there are still those who hold out do not fret. for the love from friends around you is triumphant over this. I will ask a question purely out of interest as i also study this: what are your political views (you do not need to say).

          2. I am decently experienced in Go and Java. I am very experienced in Javascript, PHP, HTML, and CSS. My political views are Libertarian, but I understand the odds of voting in aren’t impossible but highly improbable, So in real-world voting I would choose Democratic as the odds are higher with that party.

  2. Interesting, while i suppose we may share similar “leftist” values by my perception we are quite the polar opposites! i respect this however as i am fascinated by other peoples views. While I cannot truly say what exact ideologue i follow the closest I’ve found is orthodox Marxism and or Marxist Leninism. However i am yet to reach a conclusion as i need to read all the theory before i come to a conclusion. But Marxist ideas are alluring. It would be interesting to see your views on marx, i will of course not be offended. If you wish to speak no further of politics i do not blame you.

      1. I commend your honesty. It seems this conversation has run its natural course, if you have any inquiries due indulge me. Know that if this month or this year i do not send a message i will still be here, i will sure as hell be rooting for you. You’ll go far Sophia. You’ll meet beautiful people out there. That love i was talking about will be stronger than the hate. See ya and take care for now! ill be watching your posts :).

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