Before I start here is a fair warning the post does include sensitive material that may be found triggering.
I had always said I was fine and that nothing was wrong but at a certain point it becomes too hard to bear alone. Most of my problems come from school, something I hate with a passion it’s all repetitive garbage but I digress. My life is good but that’s according to people outside of me, which is a biased source. It was months of depressive periods, ones where I stopped caring about everything. I mean everything, I had already considered myself a loss that should just be written off. My grades plummeted so did everything my self-esteem, my self-worth, and lots more. Now to be clear my grades have always been piss along with my self-esteem, but that is another tangent for another day.
When I came out in April of 2021, That first week was the best time of my life. But then it was the downfall because I am inherently socially awkward I told nobody outside of my very close family. Because of the fear of being outcasted which is still something that lingers around me. I took all of the misgendering and deadnaming without saying a thing because of the outcasting part. For most of my life, I have been an outcast, that kid with the hearing aids and the “nerd” or just the quiet one. In tight nit groups, I was very extroverted, but outside of that very introverted. Now that extroverted part is gone and most likely won’t be back. My vision of people, in general, has been destroyed.
Around October 2021 I started having suicidal thoughts, but I told myself I was overreacting and that it was nothing. Because most of my life I was told just to suck it up if I had problems. In 2015 I did counseling but was told “Well it’s clearly not working!” I was told that I needed to be medicated. My entire existence was brought down to a percentage and a G.P.A. Nothing more nothing less, and it really started to eat away. It was also in October 2021 that I got into counseling. But still, I wanted to end it all and take the burden off of my parent’s shoulders. But I was scared to tell someone, but then I snapped and said something. A few weeks later I was talking about it with my doctor and started taking antidepressants that next day. I don’t have thoughts of ending it now, So I hope it’s working.
What kept me together? Perla (my dog) and music. Not much else.
Well, this is the end of this long string of letters. I will have another post coming out about my life soon.